I am feeling bad right now as I haven't written to you for months.
This has been partly due to the fact I found it quite painful to do as I miss you so much and don't know what to write and that recently I had been seeing you swimming on a Thursday and so I thought i would be getting to see you more often.
But those are excuses, the truth is that I had given up. I had let your mothers persistant refusal to let me see you get to me and had started to accept that i might not see you again until you were old enough to come and find me yourself.
I had allowed the guilt that accompanies the interactions with your mom to give up the fight to get access, to allow us to spend time together.
However I have, over the past 9-12 months been going through the process of going to court to get access. I didn't want to do this to start with as wanted your mom and i to try and work it out between us but it seems after mediation and countless conversations failing to come to a resolution,there is no other option if i want to see you.
This process takes time and money. Time i have got but money i haven't, well not enough to just start the process immediatly, so i have been seeking legal aid and they need a lot of information which i think they have now so hopefully we can move forward and get a resolution. I won't lie, i am frightened of this process as i don't know what the outcome will be, but i just have to trust in god that the right thing will happen and i will get to see you regularly again. That you and i can have a proper relationship like other daddies and daughters, that you can come and stay at my house regularly and we can do fun things, go on holidays and see Nana and Grandad, Libby and Lewis and even redecorate your bedroom!
I hope one day when you're older I can make up for all the time I have missed with you, that i can tell you how sorry i am that that this happened how it did and that how much I love and miss you every day.
Some days i find it really difficult to deal with and i feel very angry, sad and frustrated that i can't just simply be with you and play games with you dance together in the kitchen like we used to, sit and watch a film with you or just listen to you tell me about your life, your friends and about school.
I got a job recently at a camera shop,(I get to play with the expensive cameras which is good ! I hope you enjoy photography as much as me, i'd love to teach you some day) and that means that i wouldn't be able to come and see you swimming, so i have asked your mom to see if i can see you another time, at the moment she doesn't want me to see you again, I don't know why this is as she was OK with it before but I hope that will change.
So, until i get to see you the next time, then I will keep writing to you and this time i will be more frequent.
I hope you are happy and enjoying your life so far.
I love and miss you more than anything in the world. I think about you all the time and pray that you're healthy and happy.
Lots of love my precious darling daughter Grace.
PS. I have attached some pictures of me and your Nan and Grandad for you
Daddy.xxx
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