In the summertime...

Hey Grace.
It's been a while since I last wrote.
It is now summertime and the days are longer, the temperatures warmer and generally life seems better in the sun shine, do you agree?
I wonder how you are and what you are doing. The Easter holidays are upon us which means that I am sure you and your mom and your friends will have some fun things planned I am sure, I wonder if your Auntie Clare is coming down with Elliott and Evan or maybe you'll be going to them?
I hope you are happy Grace and you are healthy.
I love writing songs and singing them and have joined a Songwriters circle which is held at the MAC (Midland arts centre) which meet evry wednesday evening, where other like minded singer songwriters meet  up and share their songs as well as receiving feedback and support from the course leader, Dan Whitehouse who is very experienced himself.
I really enjoy it and it's a great way of meeting new people as well as getting to sing and play every week.
We recently had an assignment to do a song with a name in the title. I chose 'Grace' as the name and although I havent finished the song yet, it's starting to sound good. I do however get quite emotional when playing it as it reminds me that I havent seen you for a long time and that makes me sad.

However, I think it's a good way of keeping you in my thoughts and I hope one day I will get to play it to you, when it's finished, in the mean time I will keep going with it. I have also been out busing a few times, when the weather has been good and that is something that gives me a lot of joy, I have had some good feedback as well with people giving me money and approving looks as they walk past. I know you didn't like me playing the guitar and singing sometimes but then other times you would dance around which really was a beautiful memory.
It's not long now before the court date and hopefully I can get a court order which means that I can start to see you again, if that's what you want of course and if your Mom allows it.
I will keep you up to date with developments in that regard.

Here's a couple of photographs I took on the last Walkabout Workshop that I led. It's a 4 hr workshop that teaches people the basics of photography and then we go out and practice the techniques around the city afterwards.

                                                   And here's a picture of cheeky monkey! :)

I love you my beautiful Grace.

Be happy.

Daddy.xxx

New year, new beginings

Hey Grace
Happy New Year to you.

There's been quite a lot of changes happening over the past few weeks so I'll just give you an overview of what's been happening.

I may have mentioned that I have applied to the court to get a court order so I can see you, this is a long process which started early last year and is still ongoing. However, your mother and I went to the family court on the 22nd January, a few weeks ago and had the initial hearing which was basically me saying that I wanted to see you and be able to have regular contact and your mom to say why she didn't want that to happen, this will be followed by an investigation by CAFCASS and they will then report back to the judge with what they found after talking to you me and your mom, the judge will then decide what is in the best interests for you.
The next time we go to court at the end of April 2014 in a couple of months, will be to hear what the Judge thinks and he/she will either allow some form of contact, like what we had before, me seeing you/you being able to see me regularly, restricted access, which means we may have to meet in an approved contact centre or it may be that he/she thinks that  shouldn't have any contact with you or you with me.

I don't know what will happen but I believe that praying for the best outcome for all of us and trusting God, we can accept what the decision will be. None of this is final Grace and things always change, so whatever happens I hope that one day we will be able to see each other again, we just have to wait.

I am writing this so that one day you will be able to know the truth of what happened, from my point of view anyway, and know that I am doing what I can to be in your life and let you know that I always think of you and never stopped loving you just because I didn't see you.
I am hoping to get some updates on how you're getting on at school soon as well as I was on the mailing list but for some reason stopped getting the updates, I asked the headmistress and she's looking in to it.

I wonder how you're getting on at the moment.

I am doing a computer course at the moment and it's really quite challenging, even though I thought it would be easy, I never was that good at concentrating at school and so as an adult I glad to say I find it a bit easier to focus.
Don't worry about anything Grace, just pray to a god of your understanding, ask for strength, courage and wisdom to do the next right thing and let god take care of the rest.
You're a beautiful soul and I am proud to be your Dad. Always remember that.

Have fun and  live your truth

Speak again soon

All my love


This is a picture I took for my website, do you like it?






Daddy.xxx

It's Christmaaas!!

Hello Grace
I hope you are well and looking forward to Christmas and your birthday. As you are a Capricorn, the sun is in your sign this time of year so you should be feeling a bit more lively and confident, or so they say.

I am writing this today and I am getting ready to head over to Nannies house to spend Christmas with them and also Auntie Lindsay, Owen, Libby, Lewis and Charlie the dog who has now fully recovered from a serious accident he had a few months ago, he ran into a small wire fence whilst running really fast and badly damaged his leg, but like I say, he's fighting fit again now although still slightly nervous about running, as you would expect.
They all miss you too and wish you a Happy Christmas and Birthday.

I am assuming that you and Mommy are going to Cumbria this year for Christmas, I hope you have a great time playing with Evan and Elliott. I will miss you terribly again this year but I feel stronger this time as I have taken action to have time with you. I have applied for a court order, which means that a Judge will have to decide whether or not I am allowed to see you, which sounds crazy I know, as I am your Daddy I should be able to see you but as Mommy and me seem to have difficulties in communicating with each other, then it has to be that a third party will decide what's best.

I just want to say at this point that although your Mom and I have our differences, I still want her to be happy and healthy and don't wish her any ill will, although I do get angry and upset sometimes when I think of how cruel her actions are; depriving me from seeing you and more importantly, you from seeing me.

I want to apologise for not being able to see you and for my part in all this mess, but also look forward to better times and to say to you that I love you and I am still here in my house, your room is still the same as you left it, I will not give up trying to see you regularly and I hope and pray that soon we will be able to see each other again.

I wonder how you feel about all of this, I know you're nearly 6 now and you are bright, intelligent girl. I wonder what you would say to me right now if you were reading this.

Anyways, I wish you all the happiness and fun you can handle over the next few days and I will be thinking of you laughing, opening presents and being silly with the boys and that makes me feel good.

Be happy, have fun

Happy Christmas and a very Happy birthday to you my beautiful daughter.

Love always

Daddy.xxx

Happy Halloween

Hi Grace
It's that time of year again where the days get shorter, the nights get darker and the weather gets cooler.
I hope you enjoyed Halloween and got to dress up as witch or a spooky ghost. I wonder of you went trick or treating? or if you had a big pumpkin lantern?

The next thing will be Bonfire night which can be a really special if you get to see a great fireworks display and get to stand near a big roaring fire. I wonder if you enjoy Bonfires and fireworks or do they scare you?

I hope you've been keeping well. I was hoping to have seen you recently and buy you some Halloween stuff but it didn't happen. I had arranged it with your Mom but she then cancelled it 2 days later and said you were going to be away. Since then she hasn't agreed to another time for me to see you.
I keep hoping and praying that we'll get to spend some time together soon.

Anyway, on the theme of Halloween, I went to Warwick Castle earlier this week with Aunty Lindsay and Libby. I don't know of you have been but I am sure you would think it's great. There was lots of things to do, we saw some beautiful big Eagles and a Vulture, they were trained by a man to fly around the castle and come back to sit on his arm, they were really cool to see up close. Then we walked up and around the castle walls and the tower, I felt a bit sick and dizzy, I think it was the spooky energies in the place. We then listened to a scary story told by a with and saw a Headless Horseman!

I have included a few pictures for you to see.

I hope you're having fun and enjoying life.

Miss you loads

All my love

Daddy.xxx

                                           The Headless Horseman!

                                          Eagle in flight

                                          Dyson the Vulture!

Time

Hi Grace
Hope you're well.
It's amazing how fast time goes by and to think we're in October already is frightening.
I was thinking today about the passing of time and how t changes us, our perspectives and values, our priorities and our feelings about things. Everything is changing all the time and without our help. Things just flow in a natural way and it's our job to let go of fear and enjoy the ride, as scary that can be sometimes.
I am working in a camera shop at the moment and this morning I was helping a young lady choose a photography bag that she was going to be taking on a 12 month round the world trip.
Her father was with her, helping her choose but his main role in this little event was to pay for it.
As she made her choice and I was processing the purchase I asked her about her trip etc as I was interested to know where she was going and what kind of Photography she was in to. Her father then revealed that they were going to see her M.A show later that day and he joked that he thought it was just a lot of taking about Photography instead of just taking the picture but really I cold tell that he was immensley proud of his beautiful, intelligent young daughter and probably a felt a whole mixture of feelings that his daughter was off around the world
It bought up feelings for me of sadness that I am not able to spend time with you at the moment but also great hope and wonder at what you'll want to be doing when you're a young woman going out and exploring the world. I hope I can be as involved in your life as the guy I saw today was in his daughters life and I know that whatever you decide to do or wherever you want to go I'll be there for you, supporting you and probably paying for it too! ;)
I saw Libby and Lewis recently as I looked after them whilst Lindsay and Owen, their mom and dad, had a weekend away. It was really nice to spend some time with them and I have noticed that they have both shot up in size over the last few months...Libby has just turned 8 and she's wearing a school uniform for age 11!?
Lewis is also growing up quick and seems a lot more mature in his behaviour lately too.
I hope you get to spend some time with them soon too as I know you and Libby get on well and she always asks about you.
So, I am going on some training soon which will involve me taking pictures of Owls, Foxes Otters! I am really looking forward to it and hope I get some good shots to show you.

Anyways, it's getting late so until next time, I will say good night and god bless.

I remember when I used to tuck you in at night and I would say 'Good night, sweet dreams, I love you.' and you would reply 'Don't love you!' and then we'd both laugh.
 I wonder if you remember that?

Good night. Love you.xx

Folk festivities

Hello Grace.
I am hoping that you're ok.
I saw you recently at the Moseley Folk Festival. I didn't know you would be there although I had a feeling you would be. You were listening to two pirates telling stories and then later had your face painted after having a go on the carousel.
You went to your first Moseley folk festival when you were just a 9 months old. I have the pictures of you crawling around and enjoying the sun and mellow atmosphere, as far as I know you have been every year since. I wonder if you remember the earlier years you were there. How great it is that you experience live music from an early age. I wonder if you musical when you grow up.
I took some pictures of you as you can see. I found it hard seeing you as you didn't want to play or talk with me much. I got the feeling that you knew that you would have to leave me at the end of the day and so didn't want to allow yourself to connect with me as you would only end up disappointed as has happened so many times when we have had to leave each other.
I know that's how I felt.
I hope you had a good day, just after these pictures were taken, your mother and you walked off the site and so didn't see you after that, although I looked for you afterwards.
I hope one day you and I can go to a festival together and enjoy the music and atmosphere and spend as much time together as you want.

You will have done your first week back at school by the time by now. I remember that as a time as a mixture of excitement, fear and wonder. I would have my new uniform, books, pens and bag, ready for a new year full of good intentions and high expectations.
I enjoyed school up to the age of around 12 when I went to the big school. It was there that I realised that I had to become responsible for my life and future, which really terrified me and so i kicked against the 'system' of school and didn't really apply myself to anything really. I enjoyed English, Art, music and sports although I was a quite a heavy kid, I liked the release of physical exercise.

I hope you find out what you like and apply yourself to becoming great at it.
That's the secret of life, it's very simple really, listen to people who are older and wiser and consider what they are saying. Wisdom is hard earned through tough experiences so when people share their wisdom, the least you can do is sit with it and feel how it sits with you, you'll know if it's the truth by how it 'sits' with you.

My father had wisdom and was always wanting me to develop discipline, learn a skill, craft or trade and be really good at it, work hard and live with a good, light heart.
I heard his words but I wasn't ready to accept them or act them, instead I  just thought that he was trying to kill my fun, he didn't know what it was like to be me so don't tell me what to do. It's a necessary part of growing up, finding your own identity and questioning authority. But really my dad only wanted to share the wisdom he had gained and loved me enough to say try and teach me some valuable lessons with tough love but I didn't respond.

However,I  now see just how much he must have hurt when I didn't listen to him, such is life. I am glad I got to make peace with him before he died, I often speak to him in my thoughts and prayers and know now that he's proud of me, he is still in my heart and I consider my self to be very lucky to have had a father who passed on so many good qualities to me like perseverance, discipline and a good sense of humour! He also had his  flaws as we all do and was largely absent during my up bringing, not necessarily physically but emotionally, he was an old school strong, silent type who wasn't really in touch with his emotions or inner self but particularly later in his life we did get closer and shared some nice memories even though he suffered terribly towards the end of his life.
Any ways, I am writing this in a stream of conciousness as you can probably tell, it's quite late now and I am tired from working today.
I am going to see Libby tomorrow as it's 8th birthday. I have bought her some lovely silver ear rings as she is having her ears pierced. I will wish her a happy birthday from you, she misses you and always asks after you. I hope you and her get to play together/see each other again in the future.

Have a lovely, peaceful sleep and your day is a happy and fun filled one.

I love you and miss you.

Daddy.xxxx

Been busy..

Hey Gracie

Just checking in and letting you know what's been happening recently.

I was lucky enough to be asked to take some photographs at Oxford University recently and I had a great time. The city of Oxford is beautiful and the buildings are amazing.( I have included a few pictures I took to show you) You might like it when you're a
bit older, you might even go there to study if you find that you want to be an academic.

A friend of mine is the president of a school that teaches Astrology and so I took pictures of the beautiful surroundings as well as the lovely students that had come from all over the globe to listen to some of the most experienced and knowledgeable Astrologers in the world.

I have a real interest in this subject and I made sure that I noted the time you were born so you could get an accurate birth chart reading if you became interested as you grow.

It was 3.23pm on 26/12/2007 when you came into the world and I actually filmed it! I haven't watched it for a long time but I imagine it would be an amazing experience for you to watch it one day.

My time and date of birth is 4.20 am 7.3.1973.

Here's your birth chart and the overview of the planets in the houses.

I hope you find this subject as fascinating and interesting as I do.

Name: grace cater oneill 
December 26 2007 
3:23 PM Time Zone is UT 
Whitehaven, UK 

Rising Sign is in 29 Degrees Gemini 
Extremely active by nature, you like to get around, meet people and do different things. Very restless, you just can't seem to stay put. You need to be involved in several projects at once in order to keep your mind stimulated. You like to read books and to write letters and to talk -- constantly. Seemingly ageless, you will always appear to be much younger than you really are. Very adaptable and inquisitive, you are always open to new ideas and experiences. A "jack-of-all-trades", you are lively and versatile. Because of the high nervous tension that you always seem to have, athletic activity would be a good way for you to burn off energy. But be careful of a tendency to experience things only superficially -- try to dig in and absorb things at a deeper level. 

Sun is in 04 Degrees Capricorn. 
Extremely serious and mature, you are capable of accepting responsibilities and do so willingly. Others expect you to be dutiful as a matter of course. You tend to get angry when people get rewards after not having worked anywhere near as hard as you. You are goal-oriented and an achiever by nature -- you're a hard worker and are justifiably proud of the tangible results of your efforts. You tend to have "tunnel-vision" -- this allows you to block out extraneous matters that might distract others and to concentrate totally on the matter at hand. As such, you are the ideal one to manage or administrate any ongoing project and to be practical and efficient at it. You are not a fast worker, but you are quite thorough. You are known for being totally persistent, tenacious and tireless in reaching your goals. 

Moon is in 09 Degrees Leo. 
You always want to be proud of yourself and will never do anything that will make yourself look bad. You need the respect and admiration of others and enjoy attracting attention to yourself. Everything you do tends to be self-emphasized and self-exaggerated. Very stubborn, willful and independent yourself, be sure to allow others who are close to you the similar right to "be themselves." Your need for love, affection and reassurance, and your tendency toward vanity, allow you to have your head easily turned by flattery. The more insecure you are, the more you tend to be a showoff. You love games and sports as a matter of fact, you would usually rather play than work. Be careful of a tendency to be snobbish and uppity -- it does not become you. 

Mercury is in 09 Degrees Capricorn. 
You are a careful thinker, very cautious and conservative. You are quite skillful at organizing, directing and planning activities. Practical and useful things interest you -- you are not attracted to abstract thoughts or ideas. With your tendency to be highly focused and very goal-oriented, you have a good head for business. But beware of a tendency to be narrow-minded and dogmatic. Your sense of humor tends toward being earthy and slapstick crude. 

Venus is in 25 Degrees Scorpio. 
Your feelings about others are deep, powerful, intense and complex. When you like someone, you do so totally and obsessively if you do not like someone, they do not exist. Your faithfulness and loyalty to your lover is unquestioned, indeed at times it is too much so -- you get so possessive that you almost smother your partner. At times, your feelings are kept deep within you and, because they are so complex and intense, they frighten you -- this is the way that you try to ignore them. But the more you try to do this, the more explosive things get when you eventually do express them. 

Mars is in 01 Degrees Cancer. 
Your moods are very important to your overall well-being. You are confident and self-assertive when you are feeling upbeat, and you are retiring, irritable and grumpy when you get depressed about anything. Very sensitive, you wear your heart on your sleeve. You are easily angered whenever you think someone has slighted you. It is best for you to show your anger immediately and let it all out, rather than to try to hold it in or to hold grudges for a long time. You're extremely loyal and defensive of your family, neighborhood, community and culture. 

Jupiter is in 01 Degrees Capricorn. 
You tend to feel that the only results that are worthwhile are the results that are concrete and demonstrable. You distrust abstract solutions and appreciate measurable achievements. An excellent organizer and planner, you are optimistic as well as practical and realistic about what can and what cannot happen. Very responsible, you consider it a personal weakness to be wrong about anything. This makes you appropriately cautious. You are very efficient but you tend to be cool and detached. 

Saturn is in 08 Degrees Virgo. 
Your life must be orderly and practical and full of known and familiar routines in order for you to feel comfortable with yourself. Be careful, however, not to let "order" become the be-all and end-all of your life, or you may become cold, crass and unfeeling. Doing useful, practical things boosts your self- esteem. Abstract concepts and reasoning seem frivolous and a waste of time to you. You are very critical of yourself (and others), indeed at times quite self-deprecating. Try to relax a bit and allow yourself the freedom to fail once in a while. However, you probably won't fail very often because you are such a perfectionist. 

Uranus is in 15 Degrees Pisces. 
You, and most of your peers, are extremely idealistic and want to change society by completely reorienting its highest religious goals and aspirations. Just be careful to make sure that your new goal structures are properly grounded in reality so that they have a chance of being accepted by the majority. 

Neptune is in 20 Degrees Aquarius. 
You, and your entire generation, will idealize and even venerate the ability to remain detached as well as the ability to objectively analyze any given situation. There will be a concerted effort on your part to cure the ills of society as a whole. But be very careful to continue to maintain and protect the rights of individuals in the midst of these potentially far-reaching changes. 

Pluto is in 28 Degrees Sagittarius. 
For your entire generation, society's cherished beliefs and totems will be radically changed. Many traditional concepts will be totally altered, if not completely destroyed. The rights of individuals to pursue their own course in life will be reasserted. 

N. Node is in 29 Degrees Aquarius. 
As long as someone else (or a group or organization) appeals to your intellectual sensibilities, you'll try to ally yourself with them in some way. You may find that you always seem to get involved with many wide-ranging groups -- so much so that you find it difficult to fit them all into your busy schedule. Your many friends and acquaintances provide you with needed stimulation. You're loyal and fair-minded -- you try to spend time equally with all your friends, never concentrating on just one or two for any length of time. Although probably quite conservative yourself, you're attracted to those who are a bit offbeat or eccentric -- you enjoy watching their minds work. 
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I am sending you this on a lovely bright and sunny day. I hope you're enjoying the day and having fun with your friends.

All my love

Daddy.xxx