It's Christmaaas!!

Hello Grace
I hope you are well and looking forward to Christmas and your birthday. As you are a Capricorn, the sun is in your sign this time of year so you should be feeling a bit more lively and confident, or so they say.

I am writing this today and I am getting ready to head over to Nannies house to spend Christmas with them and also Auntie Lindsay, Owen, Libby, Lewis and Charlie the dog who has now fully recovered from a serious accident he had a few months ago, he ran into a small wire fence whilst running really fast and badly damaged his leg, but like I say, he's fighting fit again now although still slightly nervous about running, as you would expect.
They all miss you too and wish you a Happy Christmas and Birthday.

I am assuming that you and Mommy are going to Cumbria this year for Christmas, I hope you have a great time playing with Evan and Elliott. I will miss you terribly again this year but I feel stronger this time as I have taken action to have time with you. I have applied for a court order, which means that a Judge will have to decide whether or not I am allowed to see you, which sounds crazy I know, as I am your Daddy I should be able to see you but as Mommy and me seem to have difficulties in communicating with each other, then it has to be that a third party will decide what's best.

I just want to say at this point that although your Mom and I have our differences, I still want her to be happy and healthy and don't wish her any ill will, although I do get angry and upset sometimes when I think of how cruel her actions are; depriving me from seeing you and more importantly, you from seeing me.

I want to apologise for not being able to see you and for my part in all this mess, but also look forward to better times and to say to you that I love you and I am still here in my house, your room is still the same as you left it, I will not give up trying to see you regularly and I hope and pray that soon we will be able to see each other again.

I wonder how you feel about all of this, I know you're nearly 6 now and you are bright, intelligent girl. I wonder what you would say to me right now if you were reading this.

Anyways, I wish you all the happiness and fun you can handle over the next few days and I will be thinking of you laughing, opening presents and being silly with the boys and that makes me feel good.

Be happy, have fun

Happy Christmas and a very Happy birthday to you my beautiful daughter.

Love always

Daddy.xxx

Happy Halloween

Hi Grace
It's that time of year again where the days get shorter, the nights get darker and the weather gets cooler.
I hope you enjoyed Halloween and got to dress up as witch or a spooky ghost. I wonder of you went trick or treating? or if you had a big pumpkin lantern?

The next thing will be Bonfire night which can be a really special if you get to see a great fireworks display and get to stand near a big roaring fire. I wonder if you enjoy Bonfires and fireworks or do they scare you?

I hope you've been keeping well. I was hoping to have seen you recently and buy you some Halloween stuff but it didn't happen. I had arranged it with your Mom but she then cancelled it 2 days later and said you were going to be away. Since then she hasn't agreed to another time for me to see you.
I keep hoping and praying that we'll get to spend some time together soon.

Anyway, on the theme of Halloween, I went to Warwick Castle earlier this week with Aunty Lindsay and Libby. I don't know of you have been but I am sure you would think it's great. There was lots of things to do, we saw some beautiful big Eagles and a Vulture, they were trained by a man to fly around the castle and come back to sit on his arm, they were really cool to see up close. Then we walked up and around the castle walls and the tower, I felt a bit sick and dizzy, I think it was the spooky energies in the place. We then listened to a scary story told by a with and saw a Headless Horseman!

I have included a few pictures for you to see.

I hope you're having fun and enjoying life.

Miss you loads

All my love

Daddy.xxx

                                           The Headless Horseman!

                                          Eagle in flight

                                          Dyson the Vulture!

Time

Hi Grace
Hope you're well.
It's amazing how fast time goes by and to think we're in October already is frightening.
I was thinking today about the passing of time and how t changes us, our perspectives and values, our priorities and our feelings about things. Everything is changing all the time and without our help. Things just flow in a natural way and it's our job to let go of fear and enjoy the ride, as scary that can be sometimes.
I am working in a camera shop at the moment and this morning I was helping a young lady choose a photography bag that she was going to be taking on a 12 month round the world trip.
Her father was with her, helping her choose but his main role in this little event was to pay for it.
As she made her choice and I was processing the purchase I asked her about her trip etc as I was interested to know where she was going and what kind of Photography she was in to. Her father then revealed that they were going to see her M.A show later that day and he joked that he thought it was just a lot of taking about Photography instead of just taking the picture but really I cold tell that he was immensley proud of his beautiful, intelligent young daughter and probably a felt a whole mixture of feelings that his daughter was off around the world
It bought up feelings for me of sadness that I am not able to spend time with you at the moment but also great hope and wonder at what you'll want to be doing when you're a young woman going out and exploring the world. I hope I can be as involved in your life as the guy I saw today was in his daughters life and I know that whatever you decide to do or wherever you want to go I'll be there for you, supporting you and probably paying for it too! ;)
I saw Libby and Lewis recently as I looked after them whilst Lindsay and Owen, their mom and dad, had a weekend away. It was really nice to spend some time with them and I have noticed that they have both shot up in size over the last few months...Libby has just turned 8 and she's wearing a school uniform for age 11!?
Lewis is also growing up quick and seems a lot more mature in his behaviour lately too.
I hope you get to spend some time with them soon too as I know you and Libby get on well and she always asks about you.
So, I am going on some training soon which will involve me taking pictures of Owls, Foxes Otters! I am really looking forward to it and hope I get some good shots to show you.

Anyways, it's getting late so until next time, I will say good night and god bless.

I remember when I used to tuck you in at night and I would say 'Good night, sweet dreams, I love you.' and you would reply 'Don't love you!' and then we'd both laugh.
 I wonder if you remember that?

Good night. Love you.xx

Folk festivities

Hello Grace.
I am hoping that you're ok.
I saw you recently at the Moseley Folk Festival. I didn't know you would be there although I had a feeling you would be. You were listening to two pirates telling stories and then later had your face painted after having a go on the carousel.
You went to your first Moseley folk festival when you were just a 9 months old. I have the pictures of you crawling around and enjoying the sun and mellow atmosphere, as far as I know you have been every year since. I wonder if you remember the earlier years you were there. How great it is that you experience live music from an early age. I wonder if you musical when you grow up.
I took some pictures of you as you can see. I found it hard seeing you as you didn't want to play or talk with me much. I got the feeling that you knew that you would have to leave me at the end of the day and so didn't want to allow yourself to connect with me as you would only end up disappointed as has happened so many times when we have had to leave each other.
I know that's how I felt.
I hope you had a good day, just after these pictures were taken, your mother and you walked off the site and so didn't see you after that, although I looked for you afterwards.
I hope one day you and I can go to a festival together and enjoy the music and atmosphere and spend as much time together as you want.

You will have done your first week back at school by the time by now. I remember that as a time as a mixture of excitement, fear and wonder. I would have my new uniform, books, pens and bag, ready for a new year full of good intentions and high expectations.
I enjoyed school up to the age of around 12 when I went to the big school. It was there that I realised that I had to become responsible for my life and future, which really terrified me and so i kicked against the 'system' of school and didn't really apply myself to anything really. I enjoyed English, Art, music and sports although I was a quite a heavy kid, I liked the release of physical exercise.

I hope you find out what you like and apply yourself to becoming great at it.
That's the secret of life, it's very simple really, listen to people who are older and wiser and consider what they are saying. Wisdom is hard earned through tough experiences so when people share their wisdom, the least you can do is sit with it and feel how it sits with you, you'll know if it's the truth by how it 'sits' with you.

My father had wisdom and was always wanting me to develop discipline, learn a skill, craft or trade and be really good at it, work hard and live with a good, light heart.
I heard his words but I wasn't ready to accept them or act them, instead I  just thought that he was trying to kill my fun, he didn't know what it was like to be me so don't tell me what to do. It's a necessary part of growing up, finding your own identity and questioning authority. But really my dad only wanted to share the wisdom he had gained and loved me enough to say try and teach me some valuable lessons with tough love but I didn't respond.

However,I  now see just how much he must have hurt when I didn't listen to him, such is life. I am glad I got to make peace with him before he died, I often speak to him in my thoughts and prayers and know now that he's proud of me, he is still in my heart and I consider my self to be very lucky to have had a father who passed on so many good qualities to me like perseverance, discipline and a good sense of humour! He also had his  flaws as we all do and was largely absent during my up bringing, not necessarily physically but emotionally, he was an old school strong, silent type who wasn't really in touch with his emotions or inner self but particularly later in his life we did get closer and shared some nice memories even though he suffered terribly towards the end of his life.
Any ways, I am writing this in a stream of conciousness as you can probably tell, it's quite late now and I am tired from working today.
I am going to see Libby tomorrow as it's 8th birthday. I have bought her some lovely silver ear rings as she is having her ears pierced. I will wish her a happy birthday from you, she misses you and always asks after you. I hope you and her get to play together/see each other again in the future.

Have a lovely, peaceful sleep and your day is a happy and fun filled one.

I love you and miss you.

Daddy.xxxx

Been busy..

Hey Gracie

Just checking in and letting you know what's been happening recently.

I was lucky enough to be asked to take some photographs at Oxford University recently and I had a great time. The city of Oxford is beautiful and the buildings are amazing.( I have included a few pictures I took to show you) You might like it when you're a
bit older, you might even go there to study if you find that you want to be an academic.

A friend of mine is the president of a school that teaches Astrology and so I took pictures of the beautiful surroundings as well as the lovely students that had come from all over the globe to listen to some of the most experienced and knowledgeable Astrologers in the world.

I have a real interest in this subject and I made sure that I noted the time you were born so you could get an accurate birth chart reading if you became interested as you grow.

It was 3.23pm on 26/12/2007 when you came into the world and I actually filmed it! I haven't watched it for a long time but I imagine it would be an amazing experience for you to watch it one day.

My time and date of birth is 4.20 am 7.3.1973.

Here's your birth chart and the overview of the planets in the houses.

I hope you find this subject as fascinating and interesting as I do.

Name: grace cater oneill 
December 26 2007 
3:23 PM Time Zone is UT 
Whitehaven, UK 

Rising Sign is in 29 Degrees Gemini 
Extremely active by nature, you like to get around, meet people and do different things. Very restless, you just can't seem to stay put. You need to be involved in several projects at once in order to keep your mind stimulated. You like to read books and to write letters and to talk -- constantly. Seemingly ageless, you will always appear to be much younger than you really are. Very adaptable and inquisitive, you are always open to new ideas and experiences. A "jack-of-all-trades", you are lively and versatile. Because of the high nervous tension that you always seem to have, athletic activity would be a good way for you to burn off energy. But be careful of a tendency to experience things only superficially -- try to dig in and absorb things at a deeper level. 

Sun is in 04 Degrees Capricorn. 
Extremely serious and mature, you are capable of accepting responsibilities and do so willingly. Others expect you to be dutiful as a matter of course. You tend to get angry when people get rewards after not having worked anywhere near as hard as you. You are goal-oriented and an achiever by nature -- you're a hard worker and are justifiably proud of the tangible results of your efforts. You tend to have "tunnel-vision" -- this allows you to block out extraneous matters that might distract others and to concentrate totally on the matter at hand. As such, you are the ideal one to manage or administrate any ongoing project and to be practical and efficient at it. You are not a fast worker, but you are quite thorough. You are known for being totally persistent, tenacious and tireless in reaching your goals. 

Moon is in 09 Degrees Leo. 
You always want to be proud of yourself and will never do anything that will make yourself look bad. You need the respect and admiration of others and enjoy attracting attention to yourself. Everything you do tends to be self-emphasized and self-exaggerated. Very stubborn, willful and independent yourself, be sure to allow others who are close to you the similar right to "be themselves." Your need for love, affection and reassurance, and your tendency toward vanity, allow you to have your head easily turned by flattery. The more insecure you are, the more you tend to be a showoff. You love games and sports as a matter of fact, you would usually rather play than work. Be careful of a tendency to be snobbish and uppity -- it does not become you. 

Mercury is in 09 Degrees Capricorn. 
You are a careful thinker, very cautious and conservative. You are quite skillful at organizing, directing and planning activities. Practical and useful things interest you -- you are not attracted to abstract thoughts or ideas. With your tendency to be highly focused and very goal-oriented, you have a good head for business. But beware of a tendency to be narrow-minded and dogmatic. Your sense of humor tends toward being earthy and slapstick crude. 

Venus is in 25 Degrees Scorpio. 
Your feelings about others are deep, powerful, intense and complex. When you like someone, you do so totally and obsessively if you do not like someone, they do not exist. Your faithfulness and loyalty to your lover is unquestioned, indeed at times it is too much so -- you get so possessive that you almost smother your partner. At times, your feelings are kept deep within you and, because they are so complex and intense, they frighten you -- this is the way that you try to ignore them. But the more you try to do this, the more explosive things get when you eventually do express them. 

Mars is in 01 Degrees Cancer. 
Your moods are very important to your overall well-being. You are confident and self-assertive when you are feeling upbeat, and you are retiring, irritable and grumpy when you get depressed about anything. Very sensitive, you wear your heart on your sleeve. You are easily angered whenever you think someone has slighted you. It is best for you to show your anger immediately and let it all out, rather than to try to hold it in or to hold grudges for a long time. You're extremely loyal and defensive of your family, neighborhood, community and culture. 

Jupiter is in 01 Degrees Capricorn. 
You tend to feel that the only results that are worthwhile are the results that are concrete and demonstrable. You distrust abstract solutions and appreciate measurable achievements. An excellent organizer and planner, you are optimistic as well as practical and realistic about what can and what cannot happen. Very responsible, you consider it a personal weakness to be wrong about anything. This makes you appropriately cautious. You are very efficient but you tend to be cool and detached. 

Saturn is in 08 Degrees Virgo. 
Your life must be orderly and practical and full of known and familiar routines in order for you to feel comfortable with yourself. Be careful, however, not to let "order" become the be-all and end-all of your life, or you may become cold, crass and unfeeling. Doing useful, practical things boosts your self- esteem. Abstract concepts and reasoning seem frivolous and a waste of time to you. You are very critical of yourself (and others), indeed at times quite self-deprecating. Try to relax a bit and allow yourself the freedom to fail once in a while. However, you probably won't fail very often because you are such a perfectionist. 

Uranus is in 15 Degrees Pisces. 
You, and most of your peers, are extremely idealistic and want to change society by completely reorienting its highest religious goals and aspirations. Just be careful to make sure that your new goal structures are properly grounded in reality so that they have a chance of being accepted by the majority. 

Neptune is in 20 Degrees Aquarius. 
You, and your entire generation, will idealize and even venerate the ability to remain detached as well as the ability to objectively analyze any given situation. There will be a concerted effort on your part to cure the ills of society as a whole. But be very careful to continue to maintain and protect the rights of individuals in the midst of these potentially far-reaching changes. 

Pluto is in 28 Degrees Sagittarius. 
For your entire generation, society's cherished beliefs and totems will be radically changed. Many traditional concepts will be totally altered, if not completely destroyed. The rights of individuals to pursue their own course in life will be reasserted. 

N. Node is in 29 Degrees Aquarius. 
As long as someone else (or a group or organization) appeals to your intellectual sensibilities, you'll try to ally yourself with them in some way. You may find that you always seem to get involved with many wide-ranging groups -- so much so that you find it difficult to fit them all into your busy schedule. Your many friends and acquaintances provide you with needed stimulation. You're loyal and fair-minded -- you try to spend time equally with all your friends, never concentrating on just one or two for any length of time. Although probably quite conservative yourself, you're attracted to those who are a bit offbeat or eccentric -- you enjoy watching their minds work. 
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I am sending you this on a lovely bright and sunny day. I hope you're enjoying the day and having fun with your friends.

All my love

Daddy.xxx

Holiday!

Hello Grace
I hope you're enjoying your summer holidays.
I know that you and Mom went to see Nanna and Grandad recently. I bet you where glad to see her as I know that you both missed each other terribly.
I wonder what else you have been doing, have you been up north to see Evan and Elliott?
I bet they're getting big boys now and probably very noisy as well!

It's hard to believe for me that you're starting the 2nd year of primary school soon, the last year went by so quickly and I hardly got to see you. I hope I get to see you more this year.

I am enjoying my new job at the Photography shop. It can get very busy but I get to meet lots of interesting people and learn about the photography business more. I wonder what you'll be interested in as you grow up?

Anyways, I'll write you again soon.

All my love

I love you and miss you loads.

Don't worry, be happy! :)

Daddyxxxx

The story so far...

Hi Grace.

I have set this blog up so I can share things with you and one day you'll be able to see it yourself.
I have started it off with copies of the first emails I sent you.
I will continue from now to regularly update this blog and include what's going on in my life and so you can when you're older you can see and hopefully understand a bit more about what happened in the times I didn't get to see you.

I love you and miss you lots and loads.

Daddy.xxxxxxxx

7th email

Hello.

I am feeling bad right now as I haven't written to you for months. 

This has been partly due to the fact I found it quite painful to do as I miss you so much and don't know what to write and that recently I had been seeing you swimming on a Thursday and so I thought i would be getting to see you more often.

But those are excuses, the truth is that I had given up. I had let your mothers persistant refusal to let me see you get to me and had started to accept that i might not see you again until you were old enough to come and find me yourself.

I had allowed the guilt that accompanies the interactions with your mom to give up the fight to get access, to allow us to spend time together. 

However I have, over the past 9-12 months been going through the process of going to court to get access. I didn't want to do this to start with as wanted your mom and i to try and work it out between us but it seems after mediation and countless conversations failing to come to a resolution,there is no other option if i want to see you.

This process takes time and money. Time i have got but money i haven't, well not enough to just start the process immediatly, so i have been seeking legal aid and they need a lot of information which i think they have now so hopefully we can move forward and get a resolution. I won't lie, i am frightened of this process as i don't know what the outcome will be, but i just have to trust in god that the right thing will happen and i will get to see you regularly again. That you and i can have a proper relationship like other daddies and daughters, that you can come and stay at my house regularly and we can do fun things, go on holidays and see Nana and Grandad, Libby and Lewis and even redecorate your bedroom!

I hope one day when you're older I can make up for all the time I have missed with you, that i can tell you how sorry i am that that this happened how it did and that how much I love and miss you every day.

Some days i find it really difficult to deal with and i feel very angry, sad and frustrated that i can't just simply be with you and play games with you dance together in the kitchen like we used to, sit and watch a film with you or just listen to you tell me about your life, your friends and about school.

I got a job recently at a camera shop,(I get to play with the expensive cameras which is good ! I hope you enjoy photography as much as me, i'd love to teach you some day) and that means that i wouldn't be able to come and see you swimming, so i have asked your mom to see if i can see you another time, at the moment she doesn't want me to see you again, I don't know why this is as she was OK with it before but I hope that will change. 

So, until i get to see you the next time, then I will keep writing to you and this time i will be more frequent.

I hope you are happy and enjoying your life so far. 

I love and miss you more than anything in the world. I think about you all the time and pray that you're healthy and happy.

Lots of love my precious darling daughter Grace.

PS. I have attached some pictures of me and your Nan and Grandad for you

Daddy.xxx

6th email

Hello Grace

How are you?

I am writing this at home, it's really cold outside with snow predicted soon, so I am nice and comfortable with the fire on, thinking about the fun times we had together. I hope you had a lovely Christmas and Birthday. 

Your mom and I have been speaking recently and hopefully we can arrange a time for us to meet up.

I am looking forward to hearing about what you had for your Birthday and Christmas.

I hope you're still enjoying things at school. They say that school days are the best days of your life. Well I certainly enjoyed my days at Primary school, running around, playing and being with my friends without a care in the world and I hope your days are like that too.

Are you still playing football after school? It would be great to see you play..I wonder if you have inherited my skill and vision! 

I was one of the school teams, the B team, didn't quite make the A team! We did win a few games though and i seem to remember scoring a couple of screamers! I modelled my style on Hot-Shot Hamish who was a character in the Dandy comic that my dad used get for me. His friend at work had a son about my age and would pass on his comics to me! So every few weeks I would get a nice stack of Beano's and  Dandy's which I would read as I had my breakfast before school.

They were happy memories. 

How's your reading? Have you got a favourite book/comic at the moment. I wonder if Scooby Doo is still a favourite of yours?

Well, it's getting late so I will wish you a good night and I hope you have the sweetest of dreams.

I love you Grace

Nighty Night 

Daddy.xxx

5th email

Hello Grace 

I've been thinking about you every day and wonder how you are. I hope that you're happy at school. I heard that you may be moving to a new house soon and I hope that if you are moving that it all goes really smoothly and that you love your new home. 

It's that time of year when Christmas and your birthday aren't very far away and I wonder if your getting excited about the present you will get.

I will give you your presents  when I see you next,which hopefully won't be too far away now and we can have a special party  for you to celebrate Christmas and your birthday together, with lots of all your favourite foods , drinks and games!

I have got a little vegetable  garden now and can't wait for you to see it. There's nothing growing in it yet because it's winter and too cold for things to grow but in a few months it will be ready to grow all kinds of things and you can have your own patch to grow what you like too!

Your bedroom is just how you left it here, when you come to stay next we can go out and choose some new posters, toys, books and things to put in your room. We could even paint it a new colour if you want to! is pink still your favourite colour?

I love you and miss you and pray that you are happy.

Hope to see you soon.

Daddy.xxxxxxxxxxxx 

 

4th email

Hi Grace

It’s me again.

I hope you’re having a  good day. It’s very sunny weather today and I was thinking of the times when you and I would play over the park and how much I miss you.

I know we’ll see each other again soon. I went to your school recently as the teachers had asked moms and dads to come and see how their children are getting  on at school.

Your teacher was very pleased with your progress, she said how well you were getting on with the other children and how good at u were enjoying learning. She also said you had joined a football club after school! That’s brilliant! I know you like kicking a ball about and are very good at it, as I remember.

Nanny and Granddad send their love and can’t wait to see you again. They love you and miss you very much.

This is a difficult time for all of us and I just want you to know that none of the problems that your mom and me are having are to do with you. We both love you so very much and really want what’s best for you, which means unfortunately that Mommy doesn’t want me around at the moment, so that means I don’t get to see you but I am doing everything I can to sort this situation out so that I can see you regularly again.

I hope you like the picture of Auntie Lindsay,Libby and me! it was taken at Nannies Birthday dinner. It was a nice evening and would have been perfect if you were with us, we all missed you!

Be happy and enjoy every day. You’re a very special little girl, I am very proud of you and love you completely. 

God Bless and I hope to see you soon.

All my love

Daddy.xxxxxxx 

3rd email

Hi Grace

I hope you're well and having a good day today.

How are you? how's school and swimming?

I have been missing you and hope that we can be together again pretty soon.

In the mean time, I can imagine how you are making new friends and learning new things at school.

I have been taking lots of photographs recently and i can show them to you next time we see each other. I would like to get some new photographs of you as the one on my fireplace is a bit old now, although it's a lovely picture!

Would you like to go to Nanny and Grandad's with me? They are changing jobs soon so Nanny will have more time to play with you when we next visit!

Here's a joke for you: Why do birds fly south in winter? 

                                    Because it's too far to walk!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAA.

I look forward to hearing you laughing soon!

All my love

Daddy.xxxxxxxxxx

2nd email..

It's Daddy. Hello
I hope you're well and happy as you read this message. At the time of writing this, I am really missing seeing you and hope it won't be long before we're together again. 
I saw Libby the other day and we went to the library in Walsall. There's a really great section in there which allows you to dress up and put on puppet shows, play lovely big wooden musical instruments and also create all kinds of pictures by touching a computer screen! I know you'd find it fun, so I'll take you there if you want to go and Libby could come too.

How have you been? How's the new school? Have you made any new friends?

There's so many things I would like to talk to you about, I'll have to remember them all when we see each other next time.

Any way, bye bye for now 

Be good and be happy!

All my love

Daddy.xxxx

1st email to my daughter...

Hello Grace

It's Daddy.

I have set up your first email account for you and thought it would be nice to start sending you emails during the times I don't see you to keep you updated on what's happening.
I hope by the time you read this first one that we are spending regular time together and are happy.

At the time of writing this, things are a bit difficult between your mom and me, i guess you know this already but at the moment it seems like things are changing and just for now it's become very difficult to see you. I have called the house and spoken to your mom asking to see and speak to you but she's upset and doesn't want to allow that to happen.

So, in the meantime I just want to say that even though I can't be with you right now, I am always going to be your dad and I will always love you. It won't be long before we are together again and I am really looking forward to finding out what you have been doing, how school is, which new friends you've made and of course really looking forward to just being with you and having fun.

Your mom and I both really love you.

I hope to see you soon

Lot's of love and hugs

Daddy